Thought you might enjoy these……

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATHS
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need.

MATHEMATICS:
Smart man + smart woman = romance

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Posted By: vivian      On: Sep 11, 2007 11:53 pm  Reads: 268   E-mail this to a Friend !

The 1st Affair:

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" hi
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Posted By: vivian      On: Aug 30, 2007 02:44 pm  Reads: 206   E-mail this to a Friend !

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A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

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Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

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Wind catches lily
scatt'ring petals to the wind:
segmentation fault

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ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have.
You ask way too much.

- -
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Posted By: vivian      On: Aug 26, 2007 03:19 pm  Reads: 101   E-mail this to a Friend !

Five reasons why computers must be female...

5. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.

3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

2. The message, "Bad command or file
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Posted By: oldmonk      On: Aug 25, 2007 11:56 pm  Reads: 105   E-mail this to a Friend !

Chain Letter Type 1:

Make a wish!!!
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Really, go on and make one!!!
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Oh please, they'll never go out with you!!!
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wish something else!!!
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Not that, you pervert!!
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Is your finger getting tired yet?
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STOP, DAMMIT!!!!

Wasn't that fun? Hope you made a great w
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Posted By: oldmonk      On: Aug 25, 2007 11:35 pm  Reads: 119   E-mail this to a Friend !

I went to a party, Mom
You told me not to drink, Mom
so I had a sprite instead.

I felt proud of myself, Mom
the way you said I would,
that I didn't drink and drive, Mom
though some friends said I should.

I made a healthy choice, Mom
and your advice to me was right
as the party finally ended, Mom
and the kids drove out of sight.

I got into my car, Mom
sure to
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Posted By: oldmonk      On: Aug 25, 2007 08:55 pm  Reads: 125   E-mail this to a Friend !

1. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."

2. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt"

3. Almonds are members of the peach family.

4. The symbol on the "pound" key (#) is called an octothorpe.

5. The dot over the letter 'i' is called a tittle.

6. Ingrown toenails are hereditary.

7. The word "set" has more defini
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Posted By: oldmonk      On: Aug 25, 2007 08:51 pm  Reads: 133   E-mail this to a Friend !

1. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

2. Memorize your favorite poem.

3. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have, or loaf all you want.

4. When you say, "I love you," mean it.

5. When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.

6. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

7. Believe in love at first sight.

8. Neve
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Posted By: oldmonk      On: Aug 25, 2007 08:50 pm  Reads: 108   E-mail this to a Friend !

10. Can't stick their heads out of Windows
9. Fetch command not available on all platforms.
8. Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.
7. Involuntary tail wagging is dead. Giveaway they're browsing www (dot) pethouse (dot) com instead of working.
6. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG Frisbee.
5. Still trying to come up with a
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Posted By: oldmonk      On: Aug 25, 2007 08:48 pm  Reads: 101   E-mail this to a Friend !

1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.

2. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship "I apologize" and "You are right."

3. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

4. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.

5. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her- believe t
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Posted By: oldmonk      On: Aug 25, 2007 08:35 pm  Reads: 118   E-mail this to a Friend !